Onion Moments, My Dead Mama, and Entrepreneurship

I'm low-key high-key having an onion moment--and that's ok, because to the best of my knowledge, no one is actively reading this blog, lol.

Anywho-who, what's an "onion moment," Steph?

I'm glad you asked!

An "onion moment" is when a layer of veiled, hidden, buried trauma is peeled back to expose it, acknowledge it, free it, and integrate it into the Shadow (Carl Jung). An onion has many layers, so if you are healing from a lifetime of trauma, you might have many onion moments.

But don't fret! Once freed of this layer, you can move on...to the next layer, lol.

So, boom...how did this particular moment come about? I won't get into the details, but it was about candles and cooking a traditional meal in a non-traditional way.

Well, I made candles for a customer, but they received free candles a day after I'd made the candles. Bummer.

The meal...was good in my opinion, but not quite what someone expected.

So in both events...I felt like my creativity was wasted. And actually, that's how I often feel.

But why?
A deep dive into my trauma revealed that at a certain point in my life, likely as a child, or as a grieving teenager, someone brainwashed me into believing that I could only survive life through over-giving. 

Ding. Ding. Ding.

Because what business owner creates candles before payment is exchanged? A lousy one.

Who wastes time on a creative dish for someone who doesn't want creativity? In the words of Mr. Gradgrind of Charles Dickens Hard Times (who was severely opposed to creativity and wanting nothing but the facts);

“Now, what I want is, Facts. Teach these boys and girls nothing but Facts. Facts alone are wanted in life. Plant nothing else, and root out everything else. You can only form the minds of reasoning animals upon Facts: nothing else will ever be of any service to them. This is the principle on which I bring up my own children, and this is the principle on which I bring up these children. Stick to Facts, sir!” (Dickens, 1).

And as I split into two different energies: one, optimistic and ready to see it all from a different perspective, the second, neutral, dipping into sadness, I reasoned that I could not keep myself split and move forward.

So, I sat down and allowed myself to feel my feelings...and I felt sad. About candles? About food?

No, about my hesitancy to step into my power and declare myself as a business owner. Yes, a business owner--or at least self-employed.

And then I thought, "Well...would this have been easier if my mama had lived longer?" It was after her death that I experienced a series of battles that sought to sift me like wheat and grind me into flour for the use of someone else's pie.

I like to fantasize, so I allowed myself the moment to do so. What if I'd had a different upbringing...or what if Mama hadn't died?

Maybe I would've discovered early on that I struggle with taxing jobs in general, because I'm low-key high-key a business owner waiting for my own permission.

Let's move this from the past tense to the present tense. This is how it might play out.

So, maybe my mom is alive in this timeline. She falls in love with herself and gets off the bottle. She, being my best cheerleader ever, notices that I'm always creating something. She, being an awesome mother (no matter how many MD 20/20s or Old English 40s she swallowed in the past), would push me to see myself as a business owner.

I know my mama. She hasn't been alive for 20 years, but when she was alive, she was so sweet and caring, and she did the best she could with the resources she had.

I think if she had lived, she and I would have pushed each other to be our best selves.

The love my mom had for me was insane, and I forever sought that in other people...desperately so. Wondering, "Will this person love me like my mama? Will this person encourage me like my mama?"

No, Steph, they won't, lol.

But the great thing is I know if she'd had the time to heal her own wounds, develop a love for herself, and pursue her dreams...she would encourage me right now to step into my sovereignty and see myself as the sole proprietor of my business...not as a hobbyist who's ok with giving her little vessels of energy away without return.

No, way.

Woosaaaaaaaaah. That was a lot, lol.

All over a candle, Steph?

An "onion moment" is an "onion moment."

Until next time, beautiful people!

xoxo