A New Ceiling

I had a moment of insecurity.

I peered into the mirror, leaned close as if I could fall into the glass and change the things I found unbecoming, and critiqued my flaws one by one.

Wow, had this always been there?

Oh, snap, what about that!

And it went on like that for a few minutes. Then, imaginary conversations popped into my head of other people commenting on the flaws I had picked out. My insecurity picked up more steam, and I delved into a smear campaign—but against myself.

It was bad enough I’d point them out, now I’d brought imaginary people and their opinions into it!

And the longer I pondered these things…the more I became restless and irritated with myself.

Why did I care? And why did it take so much energy to care about the opinions of others?

Why was I having this ridiculous argument in my head?

And like that, I understood where the bulk of my energy had gone in my teens, twenties, and early thirties. I’d wrestled with myself in my head and used the faces of others as conduits for this exchange. Crazy!

Where would I be if I had paused and told my disparaging thoughts to shut up and go somewhere else?

Or, to bring it back to the present, where could I go if I stopped caring about things that did not have power until I breathed life into them?

What would I do if these things weren’t taking up my time?

The answers came rapidly, clumsily tumbling against each other as they fell from Source itself.

I would finish writing my book.

I would finish reading those two books I was cycling between.

I would map out an imaginary business plan for my candle business and for my dream coffee shop.

I would look at that one website and find opportunities to write.

I would take a nap…meditate…close my eyes and imagine the scent of Santorini in June.

Right, so why not do those things now?

I turned the light off, closed the bathroom door, walked into the bedroom, and sat on my bed. My laptop was a few inches away from me, and I had an idea to flesh out. As I pondered this idea, I pulled out my kipper deck, shuffled the cards, and asked aloud, “What would I do if I spent less time over-analyzing dumb stuff?”

Five cards popped out: Main Female, Imprisonment in reverse, Journey, Mature Man, and Community.

I tapped my chin, wondering if I should stop here or clarify the cards.

Divination can be tricky, so it’s better to have more information than you need so I clarified each card as follows.

1. 1. Main Female clarified by Main Male
2. 2. Imprisonment in reverse clarified by Court House
3. 3. Journey clarified by Message of Concern
4. 4. Mature Man clarified by Poverty
5. 5. Community clarified by Occupation.

Sound assessment.

This is what I gathered: I’d check in with my intuition and take the right actions, free myself from judgment, move forward despite fear, release generational lack, and build a supportive community.

That sounded much better than wasting my time judging myself, because I was exhausted from the self-defamation.

What a relief.

I stared at the cards and smiled, because my ceiling was now my floor—a new ceiling had arrived.

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